The Cabinet: Yes-Men of Freedom
Secretary of the Interior: In charge of nation’s rich inner life. Devisions under his or her calm, watchful gaze include the Bureau of Contemplation and Federal Office of Feelings Management. Also in charge of dismantling National Park System.
Secretary of Energy: Responsible for “getting this party started.” Leads Cabinet in cheers, trust exercises, and rainy-day games. Never shows up without Jock Jams Vol. I CD.
Director of Homeland Security: Came up with colour-coded “terror” chart in 2002. Hasn’t done jack since.
Secretary of State: Shakes hands with important people, then attempts to get those people to shake hands with each other. Applicants must supply their own American flag lapel pin. Must also learn phrase, “Please, your Excellency, the president didn’t mean that” in 125 languages.
Secretary of Defense: During diplomatic crises, intitiates chant of “Fight! Fight! Fight!” Also in charge of kicking sand in face of Secretary of State.
Secretary of Treasury: Duties primarily concerned with, but not necessarily “all about” the Benjamins.
Attorney General: Nation’s top law enforcement official; directly oversees bungled shoot-outs, standoffs gone amok. Also curious about what you checked out of the library. (Understanding Islam….how interesting)
Secretary of Transportation: Driven a car before? Seen an airplane? Hispanic? Good – put on this tie.
National Security Adviser: Advises president on national security. Pretty straight forward, really.
Secretary of Health and Human Services: Regulated Food and Drug Administration, which is responsible for second half of prescription drug commercials (the parts about nausea and diarrhea). Good place to plug in another minority.
Secretary of Agriculture: Monitors safety and quality of meat, eggs, and poultry. After that, it gets a little boring.
Secretary of Education: Charged with keeping our educational system among the world’s best, using the budgetary equilvalent of one F-16 Tomahawk fighter jet. Often corrects other Cabinet members with the phrase, “you mean, ‘the president and I…”
America: A Citizen’s Guide to Democracy Inaction