!* DENOTES RAGE.

Ya know that movie where the girl gets pregnant and everyone is congratulating her. But her best friend sees that she doesn’t want a baby and so those comments just make her want to scream?

I’m glad I don’t have cancer. But I’m back at square 1 when it comes to knowing what is wrong with me. Why have I been so sick this year? Why does my heart race all day? Why am I tired ALL THE TIME?

I was hoping some sort of diagnosis would be the light at the end of this tunnel. But it’s just more questions and frustration.

Praise God I don’t have cancer. Praise God if I do have cancer. We don’t praise Him because medical test come back well. We praise Him because it’s what we are made for. But honestly, I’m not that good of a person. I don’t want to live with this thing in my neck that hurts and makes it hard to sing. You see, I kind of like to sing. So, I’m actually kind of angry right now. And not just at circumstances. I am mad that this seems so meaningless. Seriously, if anyone says, “It’s how you respond that makes it meaningful.” I will ban you from the blog forever. I KNOW THAT. I KNOW HE HAS A PLAN! I KNOW WE LIVE IN A FALLEN WORLD AND CRAP HAPPENS! AND I KNOW THAT IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS, IT’S NOT THAT BIG OF A SACRIFICE THAT HE’S ASKING! AND PLEASE KNOW HOW ANGRY I AM THAT I’M RESPONDING THIS WAY!

People keep emailing me that this is great news. It’s not great news. It’s just news. It’s just one option removed from the puzzle. I think I just need to go call my sister.

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2 Responses to !* DENOTES RAGE.

  1. John Henderson says:

    While I’m very glad that this isn’t something that will kill you (that’s an understatement). I agree that this sucks. I as well am upset about this. You singing is one of those things that gives hope to think upon. It’s like the rainforest, I don’t see the rainforest on a regular basis but knowing its there brings a smile to my face. So Im frustrated for you and for all of us cause damn it we want our songbird back.

  2. Tammy says:

    I appreciate your vulnerability and your willingness to be open and real with your blog readers. There is something humbling about seeing someone express their frustrations to God. Typically, us Christians try to sugar coat and give “feel good” messages when we see people in pain. It’s as if we feel uncomfortable when people express frustrations with the Lord. But, you know what? I think it is completely naturally and understandable to be angry/frustrated/whatever. Aren’t the Psalms and plenty of passages in the OT full of people wrestling/arguing with/questioning God?

    I know the frustrations of feeling sick and having doctors rule things out. It’s as if you just want a diagnosis so you know the cause and can fix it. The unknown is sometimes much scarier than the known. The worst is when they run so many tests on you and can’t find a cause so then they tell you that you need to see a psychiatrist because you must be making up the pain. Yeah, I’ve been there.

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