Thoughts on letting go

I went back last week. It had been 7 months since I sat at a table with a group of people who know me well enough to order me a drink while I’m in the loo, and understand my sense of humour. They also let me use words like “loo” and spell humour with a U, without mocking me for it.
I spent 5 days catching up through one coffee date after another. My heart was so hungry for the refreshment of old friends and conversations that go deeper than, “So what are you doing in Greenville?” I miss being part of a circle.
Imagine my surprise when realizing that while my friends still love me, I am no longer part of their world. Life went on without me. (stunned silence, I know) This shift was painfully obvious any time I met with more than one person. When coffee consisted of more than just two, I was the outside man. I sat quietly listening to the others talk about their world. I am no longer integrated in their daily lives. I am not part of that world. I’m just a visitor. I’m a distraction from the everyday chatter.
Driving home, my floorboard covered in empty paper coffee cups, like the ground after a snow dusting, I was aware of what I was leaving behind without being able to see what was in front of me. I was sad, but mostly, I felt peace and hope. I realized I was finally ready to move on.
I am interviewing for a job in two hours. Everyone says that it’s going to work out. I am practicing guarded optimism. But I can’t help but think that getting this job would open the door for me to really create a life here. I see God’s gift of the last week. It was sweet closure for me, and makes my heart feel hope for putting down some roots here.
I don’t know what’s going to happen. But I can’t shake the feeling that Jesus is leading me out of the wilderness we’ve been in together for over two years. Like a lover leading me into a room, I feel He is safely ushering me into a new season, reassuring me with His touch on my back that He is covering me. Leaving what was and reaching out for what will be, my only peace comes in knowing that He is with me.


2 Responses to Thoughts on letting go

  1. Sam says:

    you are not a distraction-you are my heart.
    and i’m sure we’ll have many convos about this very subject in the months to come, as i start to feel similiar things….except minus the coffee. ew.

  2. John David Henderson says:

    It just occurred tome that what you experienced is freeing. It’s great to be counted on but it can weary the soul at times. It’s a bit like the freedom of being a grandparent, you can come by and be a tremendous blessing but also rest and take time for quiet reflection without leaving someone in need, some relational duty undone.

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