I didn’t see it coming, the meltdown that met me as I woke up Monday morning. The last two months have been a time of transition. But let’s be honest. Every day for the last 3 and a half years has been one more blind walk on a dark, pitted road that I am only braving because of the One I am following. (Or is He dragging me by my hair, kicking and screaming?) I’ve been connecting together a series of adjustments, day after day, carefully placing my steps, knowing that eventually, the darkness would clear and I could once again walk on soft grass, or maybe clover. Yes, that would be nice. There have been easier days than others. There have been days when I could see Him better or hear His words so clearly. But there have been more days of trying to push through the blackness, with a growing distaste for the words offered to me as encouragement. “It’s just a season. You’re about to enter a great time of healing, freedom, and peace.” Those are such bitter words to hear when everyday meets more uncertainty.
Every now and then, I reach a breaking point. Monday was one of those days. I don’t know it is my upcoming birthday that will herald unmet milestones in my “behind-the-curve” life. But knelt on the floor…wait…that sounds too spiritual…collapsed on my bedroom floor, weeping, I begged for mercy.
Why do you have me here? How can this be right? How can this be where you think is best for me? You gave me a heart to speak and write about the things You’ve shown me. You given me a desire to use my gifts in missions. How can this be where You want me?
You see, I don’t know why He has given me the life I have. I don’t know why He gave me the desire to be a wife and a mother, but has held those things from me. I don’t know why He gave me a passion for the hearts of young people and for marriages, and has dropped me in the middle of corporate America. You know how people pray, “God, I’ll go anywhere. Just not the jungles of Africa.” Corporate America is my Africa. But that’s how God is. A,B,C, orange. That’s how He leads sometimes. And I just feel lost and confused because He gave me a heart and a vision for ministry, and then seemingly put me on another path. But I guess since it’s His heart and vision to give, they are His to place.
I get disgusted with myself for thinking that if something in my life looked different, then I would have peace. The most peaceful times of my life were when I had nothing. How quickly I forget that Jesus is the source of my Shalom. But I miss that. I miss feeling His presence and joy in being with me. I know He has been teaching me to trust His love for me even when I can’t feel it, but I’m a girl, and I really miss feeling…us. You know, how He and I are together. That was when it didn’t matter what the A,B and C of my life looked like. I was His. He was mind. Nothing else mattered.
So I wait for His rescue and His deliverance. I wait for Him to bring life back to these dry bones, and Shalom to my restlessness.
Maybe that will come tomorrow. You never know.